Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word
by BoandNora-ItsOneWord
Summary: A different take on Robert's return from the dead in 2006. Anna and Robin must re-evaluate their feelings for Robert after he tries to take his own life. Rated M for the topic.
1. The Blame Game

**01\. The Blame Game**

The wailing of a siren broke through the unusual calm of the hospital emergency room. The paramedics rushed through the sliding doors with a sense of urgency as Dr. Robin Scorpio dashed over to the gurney.

"What do we have," she asked. She recognized that look of terror just before the doors opened again and _there_ was her mother, tears smearing her mascara. _She knew then that the man in the gurney was no longer a patient to her…He was her family.  
_  
_"Daddy,_" she cried, her own tears stinging her eyes.

"_Oh Robin_," Anna gulps. "_What if he doesn't make it…what if…?" _

Anna's words break off and Robin pulls her into her arms. She turns to the paramedic again, who is now ushering orders to the attending nurse.

"_What happened,"_ she asked again, this time with more urgency. _"What happened to my dad?_"

"_He shot himself in the chest. I am so sorry Dr. Scorpio. It doesn't look good_."

"_Oh God,_" Robin gasped. _"He did this to himself."_

As the paramedics disappear from view, Nurse Elizabeth Webber turns back to her friend Robin and promises to let her know as soon as she knows anything.

"_How could this happen mom? What was he thinking?" _

Anna pulls out of Robin's embrace so she could look at her daughter more closely. Anna's eyes cloud with pain and sadness and Robin suddenly feels like that six-year-old girl again.

_"Mommy?"_

_"This is all my fault Robin. I am the one who told him that I wish his death were real. If he doesn't survive this…Robin, if he dies, I will never forgive myself." _

Anna has always prided herself on being strong and independent but right now, the woman Robin always knew as fearless suddenly looked as fragile as glass.

"_You aren't the only one who said things you did not mean. My God, mom…I acted as if he was lying. I told him that the father that I loved was dead to me. How am I ever supposed to look at him again?" _

"You didn't see him Robin. That look in his eyes. It was _more_ than just pain. Something inside him just _died._ The man that I loved…There was not a single trace of him when he had that gun pressed against his temple. _He was going to shoot himself in the head Robin. I was so scared._ I didn't know what else to do so I tried to take the gun away from him."

"You were _there?_"

"I _felt _him. I guess after all these years… that _still_ has not changed. I have _never_ seen that look in his eyes before Robin. It scared the hell out of me. He looked as if he were lost in some sort of nightmare."

"Maybe he was mom. Maybe whatever happened when he was 'dead' messed with his mind? Maybe he was struggling against _himself?_"

"_Then how are we supposed to help him?" _

"Do you still _want to_ mom?"

Anna pauses as she looks at Robin. At that particular moment, she looks so much like her father that it breaks her heart. _Just like her father._

"Are you asking me what I _think _you are," she questions.

"When you and dad were in that boat explosion, you were just starting your life together. You were so in love mom…But it has been fifteen years since then and I know you have moved on…so I am asking if him turning up alive after all these years changes anything? Are you still in love with him?"

"Robin…It changes _everything_. I think that is why I was so angry with him. It was a lot easier to blame _him _then it was to blame _myself_. I mean, sure I had amnesia, but I _knew_ there was the possibility that if _I_ survived then _he_ could have too…Why did I not look for him Robin? Why didn't I at least _try_ to find him…at the very least to confirm my memories…Maybe if I had…."

"There is_ enough_ blame here to go around okay…Lets just admit that we _all _did things that we regret. That _includes_ dad. "

"Are you saying you forgive him?"

"Right now I just want him to wake up. No matter how angry I might be with him, I would _never_ wish him this kind of pain. "

"Neither would I Robin. He can't leave this world thinking that I _don't_ love him…that I could _ever_ wish him this kind of hell. I need him to know how I _really_ feel."

"So you _do_ still love him?"

"You know…You can be_ just_ as infuriating as your father."

"I'll take that as a _yes_. That means there's still _hope._"

_"Maybe,"_ she admits. "But _first_ your father has to wake up. "

Robin wraps her arms around her mother as she angrily wipes at the tears in her eyes. Anna never liked to show weakness in front of anyone…especially her daughter.

"It's okay to admit that you're _not_ superwoman okay?"

Anna forces a smile in silent acknowledgement and Robin knows it is the closest she will ever get to an admission. Anna closes her eyes tightly and Robin knows she is praying. There was nothing else they could do. The rest was up to Robert.

_"Please fight this daddy. Please know how much we love you...how sorry we are."_

"_Please forgive me Robert. I need you to wake up right now. I know you are hurting but..please wake up. I can't lose you before I can tell you how happy I am that you are alive...that despite everything I'm still crazy about you. Wake up Scorpio. I still need you in my life."_


	2. I am Here for you

**02\. I am Here for you**

Anna stirs when the door to Robert's hospital room opens. Robin knows that her mother was already reaching for her holster, ready to protect her father at all costs. It was what Anna considered normal.

"Have you been here all night," Robin asks.

"I didn't want him to wake up alone," she rationalizes.

Robin can see the creases in her mother's forehead just as she recognizes the hardened expression behind her eyes. _She was scared…And her mother did not do scared. _

"How is he," she asks, rubbing Anna's shoulders in the same way she knows her father once did.

"Much too quiet," she replied.

"Mom?"

Anna brought Robert's hand to her lips and kissed his knuckles. He looked so weak now. So unlike the man they both knew as their hero.

"What are you going to say…? (She stopped herself from saying If. She could not think that way anymore than her mother could) what will you say to him when he wakes up?"

Anna pauses for reflection then looks at her daughter, tears swimming in her eyes.

"I'm going to tell him that I'm sorry I was not here for him when he needed me…and that…"

"You love him," Robin finishes.

"Yes…That I love him. That I am here for him if he will still have me. _I let him down Robin. You have no idea how much I struggle with that. He might have hurt me greatly but…when has he ever let us down? When?" _

_"Never_," Robin agreed.

It was strange how different things could look when time was something you did not know if you had. It had been 24 hours since Robert tried to end his life and in that period both Robin and Anna began to see things differently.

"_I should have thrown my arms around him in gratitude. I mean sure I was angry but…he was alive. My husband was alive. How could I ever not be grateful for that?" _

"I know mom. I know exactly how you feel. We should just be grateful that we have a second chance with him. Some people never get that."

"If he wakes up…"

"_When_ Mom…we _both_ know he's too stubborn to die."

This made Anna laugh. It was good to have something to laugh about again.

_"When_ he wakes up, I am going to take that man in my arms and never let him go again. I have had to say goodbye to him _too _many times over the years. I don't want to do it anymore. It hurts too much."

Robin was about to say something when suddenly Robert's monitors start going off. Robin takes one look at her father and reaches for the intercom.

_"Code Blue Room 412. I repeat Code Blue room 412."  
_  
"_What's happening,_" Anna cries, as Elizabeth and his attending doctor rush in to examine him.

"Let them do their jobs mom," Robin coaxes as she leads Anna out the door.

"_I don't want him to be alone Robin_," she cries.

"_He's not alone mom. He has a team of doctors working on him. He is in the best possible hands. I promise you_."

"_What is happening to him Robin,_" Anna asks, as they stand outside the hospital room. "What is wrong with my husband?"

It does Robin's heart good to know that her mom still thinks of him that way...even if their marriage ended up being invalid. _It was not fair. They should still be husband and wife now. _

"It's not good mom. I am pretty sure his liver is failing. He's going to need a transplant."

Anna's anguish is immediate. It is as if the whole world suddenly stopped moving and all that is left is her pain. All her senses blur together until she is almost positive that everything around her has faded away like Robert. A single tear escapes down her cheek, despite her carefully guarded heart, and suddenly it was as if a dam had broken open. She was only half-aware of someone catching her as her tears rocked her body. She was breathing hard now…trying to let air in that she was sure was no longer available. The last time she cried this hard was when she lost Leora.

_Please God, do not let this be the end…Do not let Robert die for real this time. Please let him wake up. _

_"Mom…Mom, can you hear me…Mom…" _

Her eyes snap open when she feels Robin shaking her…her eyes silently pleading with her.

"Where did you go," Robin asks her, when recognition finally hits her.

"Nowhere good," she responds. "Did something happen…did…?"

_"He's awake mom…He's asking for you_…"

"Does that mean…"

"Let's not talk about that right now. Dad needs you. "

"Is he going to die Robin…Please, I _need _to know."

"He needs a liver transplant like I suspected. We are putting him on the list okay. Try not to think of worst- case scenarios. If _anyone_ can survive this…you _know_ its dad. He's cheated death _how _many times now?"

"Too many times to count."

"Well there you go…hold on to that…You go in there right now and give him a reason to live…you are the_ only _one who can do that mom. _He loves you_."

"Did he tell you that?"

"My lips are sealed. Just go in there mom. You can do this."

"Of course I can."

She kisses Robin's forehead and disappears from her view. _Thank God. She was afraid she was going to lose both her parents for a while there.  
_  
"Are you okay," Elizabeth asks Robin?

"My mom's back. We are all going to be fine now. "

_My mom might not be superwoman but she sure as hell is as close to it as she has ever seen. Her mom was going to fix this as she fixes everything. She has to. She is her dad's only hope._


	3. I'm Sorry

**03\. I'm Sorry**

"Thank you for coming Uncle Mac," Robin says as she hugs him.

"What's going on Robin? It's not your health is it?"

She reaches for his hand and smiles. She should have known he would think this was about her.

"I'm fine Uncle Mac. Really I am."

"Then why the urgency. "

"It wasn't something I could tell you over the phone…and I didn't know if you would come if I did. It's about daddy."

"What did he do _this_ time," he yells.

"He…_He tried to kill himself for real._"

Mac takes two steps back, his hand instinctively moving to cover his mouth as a gasp escapes. Another second passes and then another. He runs his fingers through his hair before finally slumping down into one of the waiting chairs.  
_  
"Uncle Mac_," Robin probes. She wants to wrap her arms around him in comfort but she knows he has to work through this on his own. "_Uncle Mac are you okay?"_

His head was in his hands now and Robin knew he was fighting back tears.

"_I told him I wanted to kill him,_" he mutters. _"I told him he had nothing left. What the hell is wrong with me Robin?_"

"You were hurt…just like the rest of us."

"Even so…I _never_ would have wished this on him. When he died all those years ago…"

"I know Uncle Mac…you don't have to explain to me. I know that you love him. He loves you too you know?"

"Why did he do this Robin?_ Why?"_

"He's suffering Uncle Mac. Whatever happened in those fifteen years when he was away…it changed him…And when he finally manages to make it back home, Mom and I turn him away. His family was the_ only_ thing that kept him going when he was gone…and we wouldn't even let him tell us what happened?"

A tear rolls down Robin's cheek and Mac pulls her into a hug. "What are we looking at Robin? Is he going to make it?"

"That all depends on the availability of a new liver."

"He needs a _liver_ transplant."

Robin pauses as she regards her Uncle. "The _only _reason he is still alive is because mom was there when he held the gun to his head…somehow she managed to at least get the bullet to penetrate something other than his brain. She saved his life. Even if it may not feel that way."

"Thank God for Anna Devane," he says. Robin simply nods her head.

"I can't even imagine how she must have felt. She still loves him you know?"

Mac reaches for Robin's hand and smiles. "I don't think there will _ever_ come a day when those two stubborn people who call themselves your parents will ever _not_ love each other."

* * *

Anna brushes her palm against Robert's forehead and he calls out her name. She brushes a stray tear away from her cheek as he opens his eyes. They still look exactly as they did when she used to get lost in them.

_"I'm sorry,_" they both say in perfect harmony. Anna takes his hand and takes a seat at his bedside.

"_Why did you do this Scorpio?_"

"Are you sure you _want _to know. "

"I _need _to know Robert. I _need_ to know what you have been through. The scars that have been left behind in your journey."

"I _never _wanted to be away from you Annie. You _have_ to know that. When I woke up after the explosion and they told me about your injuries…I _wanted_ to find a way to get to you…to get to Robin. When I found out you had amnesia...it tortured me. All I wanted was to be there with you...helping you remember our life...helping you remember _me._ _You can't possibly think that after everything we've been through in the past, that it was at all possible for me to just stop loving you…to stop wanting to protect you. I would have died for you Annie._"

"I _never_ wanted that Robert…I wanted _you_. Even when I did not know who you were, I saw your face in my mind. That handsome face that used to bring me such joy."

"Used to? Are you saying that you don't love me anymore?"

"_Are you kidding me…are you really going to tell me that you don't know?"  
_  
"I know that you and Robin are the only thing that kept me alive when I was gone. They were going to _kill _you Anna. The _only_ way that I knew to protect you was to agree to their terms."  
_  
"What in God's name did they make you do?_"

Deep pain clouds his features as he looks at her. She reaches for his hand. "I _do_ love you Robert. _Please_ tell me."

"In exchange for your life, all I had to do was become everything I hated. The government that we spent our lives working for turned me into a bloody assassin. I hoped that the people that I was killing were _not_ good people Anna. I _prayed_ that someday when the world was kind again, you would still be able to look at me with those same eyes that once looked at me with love. _I hated myself Anna…and when I finally made my way back to you and Robin and you hated me too…" _

"You _really_ think we hated you Robert? We _never_ hated you ."

"You could have fooled me."

"We've said terrible things to each other before…"

"It wasn't what you said Anna…It was the look in your eyes. I _never_ wanted to be the man that let you down again. I couldn't even_ look_ at you knowing that I failed you again."

"Oh Robert… You did _not_ let me down…and you_ certainly_ did not fail me. You never have._ I_ am the one who failed _you_…You _needed_ me Robert and I was not there for you…If I had found you before they did…"

He pulls her tightly against his chest, her tears now hot on his cheek.

"My Beautiful Annie…Please don't cry…I could never stand it when you cried."

_"I'm sorry Robert. I'm so sorry._"

He runs his fingers through her hair as he whispers against her earlobe. "I'm sorry too Luv. I'm so sorry."


	4. Nightmares

**04\. Nightmares**

The tears have finally subsided and Robert is asleep again. She knows that they have much to talk about but he needs his rest. Anna watches him sleep much in the same way she would watch a potential target; she misses nothing. When Robin and Mac walk in, she motions for them to take a seat. She was not willing to move from her spot in his arms.

"I know you want to talk to him Mac but he was so worn out from the self -hatred. I do not like to see him like this. It took everything I had to convince him that it was okay if he closed his eyes."

"And you are _still _watching him like a hawk aren't you," Robin questions.

"I can't help it. A couple hours ago, I thought I was going to lose him for real. Every sound that I hear makes me jump. I am so afraid that if I close my eyes, I am going to wake up to his heart stopping. If I lose him now, I _don't_ know what I'll do."

Mac reaches for one of Anna's hands and gives it a squeeze. "I know that things are pretty bad right now but despite everything that may have gone down, I know that my brother is a fighter. I mean how many times has the man been shot at or blown up or…sorry, I know that's a poor choice of words but…"

Anna smiles at Mac and says, "No it's okay. You are right. Robert has been through many things that would have killed most people. Hell, he has come back from the dead so many times I have lost count. He will survive this too. He has to."

Robin kisses her father's head as she watches him sleep; Mac does the same.

"Daddy, please keep fighting. We love you so much. We forgive you. Don't we uncle Mac?"

"You should be proud of this one Robby…She sure is a chip off the old block. She is right, though. We do forgive you. If I knew what you were suffering through, I never would have said the things I said. We were_ never_ better off without you."

Mac turns and gives his niece a hug before saying, "I'm going to let Felicia know what is going on."

"Thank you Mac," Anna says.

"Stay strong Anna. My brother would fight just about anything for_ you._"

"I know. I would do the same for him."

"I know."

After Mac shuts the door, Robin turns to her mother. "I have rounds. I just wanted to make sure daddy was okay…and you."

"Robin…are you sure you are okay to be working?"

"Right now it's the only thing keeping me from losing it."

"If you need anything…"

"Right now, dad needs you more. I love you."

"I love you more."

Robin just smiles at her mother and walks out. Anna studies Robert intently as she wipes his face with a sponge. He was sweating profusely. In that moment, he starts to thrash about in his bed.

_"Robert_," Anna soothes. "_Robert it's okay. I am right here. _"

"_Anna…Oh God, Anna…Don't hurt her," he screams. "Please…Please God, don't hurt her. Please…"_

What had these animals done to him…what had they tortured him with? The screams coming from his nightmares sounded so raw and anguished…so unlike the man she has known and loved for just over three decades.

She grabs his face in her hands, gently slapping him, trying to wake him. "_Robert, wake up. You are having a nightmare. Robert._"

Robert shoots up from his bed, but his fight instincts take over and soon his hands are around her throat. Anna is not scared. She knows he is in that place again. The place where they lost everything.

"Robert_ look _at me. You are _safe_ now. You are _not_ in that awful place. _Nobody_ is going to hurt me. It is _okay_. I am here with you and I love you so much."

Robert's eyes lose the coldness in them and he lets her go. The guilt is immediate.

"_Oh God, Anna…Anna, I'm...I'm so sorry...I...I could have killed you…"_

She forces him to look at her, her fingers wiping the tears from his face. "You were having a flashback Robert. I know what those are. I have had them myself. Please do not blame yourself. You did not know what you were doing. I _know_ you would never hurt me. You _wouldn't._"

"But I _did_ hurt you...How can you look at me like that and still trust me implicitly when I …"

"You did _not_ hurt me Scorpio. _Look_ at me…do I _look_ hurt?"

"But your throat?"

"Will heal. What worries me is you keeping this all bottled up. I am not going to ask you now…not when you are waiting for a transplant…But Robert, _please_…if you cannot talk to _me_ then talk to _someone_. I do not want to lose you again. Please do not do this to yourself. Do not bury yourself in the shame. I will _not_ let you do it. _You hear me…I won't."_

She wraps her arms around him and pulls him tightly against her. He buries his face in her hair and she kisses him softly. "You are _still_ my hero Robert Scorpio. You remember that. _Nothing _and _no one_ will _ever_ make me think of you as _anything _less. _I love you_."

She gets him settled back in his bed and caresses his cheek. "I am going to talk to your doctor. Please don't try to stop me."

"As if I ever could before."

"Smart man," she states, and he falls back against his pillow.

He knows he does not deserve her but somehow she is still here with him…loving him through everything. He closes his eyes and pictures her face. He can see her so clearly now. _His Annie. Oh how he loves her._


End file.
